The Unexpected End
There was a time when I believed this day would never come. One month ago, yes, I ended a relationship. Our relationship lasted for 3 years, 4 months, and 27 days – yes, I still remember it precisely. I gave and received tremendous love. I was the happiest man in the world, once i believe were a happiest couple in the world, for that 3 years I achieve so many things with her support, I got my first job as a Software Engineer and she’s there giving big support for me. Achieve my first 2 digit salary, have my first overseas freelance project obviously with her supportive effort so i can achieve it. Her support were undeniably impactful for me, and i got remember by one qoute:
Behind every successful man, there is a strong, supportive woman.
I even really thought to married her someday, my heart are deeply invested in her and I can’t wait to met her in her happiest form. Eventhough were have a different religion it really doesn’t matter for me at that time. Life with her felt magical, like reliving the joy of falling in love every single day.
I really loved her. Our love was a journey of countless moments where we kept falling for each other, always rekindling the spark. It was the happiest version of me. I once felt like the happiest man on earth. My Spotify playlist is the witness of how happy I was. Mornings felt meaningful because of her, and at night, we used to chat at 9 PM until we fell asleep, usually around 12 or 1 AM. Funny enough, we rarely called or video chatted—everything was through text. Strange, perhaps, but I didn’t mind because I loved spending time with her, no matter the media.
Insert Scoot Street, by Phoebe Bridgers
I used to listen to that song, don’t expect it will happen to me too.
The Aftermath
I decided to end the relationship because I was tired and hopeless. I kept giving the same feedback, kept complaining about the same issues, and nothing changed. These unresolved issues led to countless fights, which eventually became the final chapter of our story.
The memories of our time together still live in my head. Just yesterday, while trying to sleep, memories of our special dates, shared love, and laughter resurfaced. I start and end each day thinking about this. Sometimes, a part of me still believes in her.
There’s a lot of up and down during our relationships, there’s also countless breakup that we able to manage and rekindling the relationship again and again. Usually we able to solve each problem that cause the breakup we solve it together, validate each other feelings, asking for feedback, when the problem are solved. I discover new depths of my love to her, like falling in love for the second time.
In the first week after the breakup, I didn’t feel much. But three weeks later, bit by bit, parts of me began to fall apart. I hit the lowest point I had ever experienced. I isolated myself, struggled to express my emotions, and even lost my appetite. Writing became one of my coping mechanisms. I revisited my diary, where I had poured out my feelings. It was a hard, painful time.
Restoprective Process
When i writing this post, there’s a lot of questions live in my head. One of that is “do we meant to be together? Or we just force it”. And when my head got hit by those question, the memory came back, I start to think about that question, and when i taking shower I think that both of we at that time are just not meant together, i recall that she has a question to me and she asked:
What if we both aren’t meant to be together
Well i said:
I’ll go find any possibility and try it so we could be together.
Well easier said than be done, turns out i was wrong. I can’t stand and live with someone else where i couldn’t tell my own story. Indeed I’m not perfect person I made a lot of mistake and I’m not making excuse, but i learn from the mistake i made, actually it’s we, we learn together and solve the issue together as a couple but it’s not last long.
One think that i able to notice, that u think that because u know ur partner for a long time and you think your partner could guess your feelings, it’s just evil, neither of us were mind readers, and expecting the other to understand unspoken feelings only deepened our misunderstandings. In the book i read ‘The Power Of Attachment’ this issue were common issue in the relationship, all of this required emotional intellegence, because with other human being you’re attached with emotion.
I recall when I just breakup with her, I think i already moveon, but turns out, it’s just ‘pseudo-move-on’ feeling, because my body reward me with relief for getting rid the source of stress, btw i never feel headache anymore after breakup, which i believe tell a lot. It feels nothing on the first month, but after that it’s devastating i have to process the attachment, the remainder feeling and so on. And there’s a saviour came, which is ‘knowledge’ If i dont tell my story, i wouldn’t be able to know the genuine side of myself, previously i thought that i was an avoidant but turns out I’m secure person, I could trust my partner, I don’t put much suspicion and I don’t feel anxious when she wasn’t with me. This phase of life is one of the most phase in my life, I feel the sense of awakening of me. I felt very amazing journey with my knowledge and they always help me. So you have to learn, you will never know when, what u just learn today or yesterday will be used in your life. There’s one qoute
Yesterday was a history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift that’s why they call it the present.
I got this from kungfu panda film, Since now i’m in solitude life, i spend my time mostly watching movie and learn something new. I’m really grateful to have this experienced of my life. I’m not regretting anything about the relationship i had with her and not owe any apology to her and vice versa and I choose to end the relationship with her as it should be.
A Conversation with a Friend
Long story short, I met a friend after a long time. When our conversation turned to relationships, I opened up:
“You know what? I had a relationship with a girl I met online 3 years ago. We broke up 1 month ago. Honestly, when we first broke up, I didn’t think much about it. But three weeks later, the memories of our relationship came flooding back. Sometimes, I even send her messages, even though she doesn’t respond. There’s a small part of me that still believes in her, that she would change and able to control her emotions. Broke up is hard, there’s hole in my life, where she used to be waiting for me at 9PM and communication intensively till we sleepy and going to sleep with mind full of love.”
I even asked on an anonymous forum:
“I wonder how likely it is for a girl to change if I had strong feedback for her and that I can’t live like this with her if she always wants me to feed her ego and believes ‘a man should love you more?”
“The majority said NO. If she wanted to change, she would do it for herself. But love? Sure, it can change anyone into their best or worst version.”
I confessed to my friend:
“I haven’t deleted her photos from my gallery, even though we haven’t talked for almost a month. I’m putting my trust in that ‘small part’ of me. Sometimes she appears in my dreams, which implies she’s still living in my mind. All this ‘fake reality’ is really tiring me out these days.”
This special part are the left part for her but playing a huge role in my head, deep dive I still love her, I know this kind of stupid but it’s. I have to acknowledge w hat live on my head eventhough the relationship aren’t live again but the ruins are still exist
I’ve become open to internet suggestions. While scrolling through TikTok, I found content talking about this – from a female perspective, interestingly. The essence was: “I have to trust myself and be brave enough to make a decision by ‘killing’ that small part because I don’t want to live in that situation again or put my life in uncertainty.”
My friend replied with wisdom:
“You already did your best to maintain your relationship, right? You have to acknowledge yourself; you have your own limits. Even Jesus had His limits – it’s normal. Don’t be mean to yourself. If she didn’t care about your feedback, it already shows she won’t change. No matter how much effort you put in, it will result in nothing. Stop putting your mind and time into something like that. I agree with those people – it’s hard for people to change if they don’t want to commit to themselves. Time is ticking. Take your time, don’t think about her again, kill that ‘small part’ in you, and move on.”
I’m replies with:
“Yeah I’m on it, i change my behaviour, I woke up earlier, running 1-2x/week, finishing my unfinished books, get freelance jobs. I’m putting tremendous effort just to moveon. I even start to give my contribution to the open source community eventhough it’s really hard and complicated, I’m happy to do this. I even ask to AI about the situation i face, i even made some decision after asking to AI, sounds stupid right? Furthermore AI, being a partner for me through this process”
I remember when I at the lowest level, when my brain can’t focus and got sick by that, brain fog people said. But throughout that i found walking alone when there’s hurricane on my head, when I can’t think about something clearly, where that ’little part’ take my ability to think, yes i aware that time myself can’t even use my brain to think even for taking an action, my brain feel numb and not functioning as it should be. Even taking myself to my favorite restaurant don’t make my brain work again but, like i mention before i believe god help me on this process, so that he gave me vision to take walk at my lowest level with a hurricane on my head.
This thing is a highly valuable process for me, I’m grateful experienced this one, blessed to get a painful lesson for a relationship, I’m not closing myself into new relationship. There’s nothing to blame.
Healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay if some days feel harder than others. Trust the process and take comfort in knowing that the work you’re doing now will lead you to a stronger, more fulfilled version of yourself. Be patient, and continue putting yourself first—you deserve that. “Friends of mine”
On every breakup stories that I witness,