In the past couple months I’ve experienced solitude again. It’s started with a breakup, yes a breakup that devastated my life for almost 2 months. Long story short I’m rebound from it, realigning my trajectory and bounce back, started with my first open-source contribution to the Traefik and then Clickhouse. Followed by new friends, new connection. And those feels so amazing to me, some people called this ‘post break-up growth’, but for me it feels like transformation. An radical transformation with myself, I don’t just go to the road and run 5 km each day or finish book in just 1 week. I’m literally change how i view the relationship with people and how I view past when their randomly pop-up.
There’s one qoute:
Sometimes our greatest teacher never knew their teaching
And yeah that relationship really teach me about life and relationship, my mind perpetuating about it for almost 2 months. And those 2 months, brain barely thinks, barely sleep, anxious. Those lesson I won’t get without that relationship, all of the psychosomatic response I never know was a signal from my body about some situation where I wouldn’t life for it and at that time my response is always flee, a classic response to problem. Those unconcious response trying to tell my concious mind ‘dude, this is shit is bad!’ pro tips: exclamation sign mean it’s a strong message. Jokes aside, during that time I never get that ‘message’ but, i recognize the headache and keep saying to her, I got headache now but, if you want to argue please tell and don’t keep it silence and yeah It’s just go silence but, it just go like that and i always remember that I keep saying ‘I love you’ when the situation became like that and luckily she response it. If she don’t i take it as a sign. These made me learn that I was really loving her in my native language it’s called ‘kecintaan’ but, i was loving it wrong! I compromised my own authenticity in order to attach with her, and that’s why the breakup is so devastating but luckily I’m able to healed from that
Previously, I was a very introverted person. I closed myself to the world, I didn’t want to people seeing me, what I achieve, what I accomplished. But now it changed. On LinkedIn, right after breakup I add my LinkedIn connection for 400% growth, posting some post that I could be proud of it on LinkedIn. And that’s work well within just 3 months after that I have new 240+ connection. That number not solely just friends on tech-industry but also friend in real-life since I also made new friend here.
I’m also realized that breakup is like blessing in disguise, I’ve realized that myself being more reflective person. I’ve seen my mistakes, seen my self change just to ‘survive’ and re-read my journal back then. Yes I do journaling and re-reading those thing is like a relief it’s help me projecting what I feeling at that day. it became more frequent after breakup because the surge of the emotional feeling is tangible and sometimes it appears as physical sensation. During that time I may doing my activities with anxious feeling, I remember once, at work I laughing a lot and that’s how I cope with the anxious feeling by masked it with laugh, right after that I notice something wrong with my coworker. That I just breakup and It feels so good to just said that. And those journal now became the artifact an post-awakening artifact for me, I’ll kept it alive to remind me there’s a conversation an amazing conversation that made me alive.
This year might end, but won’t be forgotten. Turning 20 On this year not just changing the digits but also changing the trajectory of my life. On this year I recognize that i get to know myself better than before, the Love that i lived since 17 now became fuel, an superior fuel far more than hydrogen. Without it I might never know about my attachment style, never know why I’m became avoidant within the relationship, never know the body-mind connection and fueled me to made all of the amazing thing that I may not mentioned here.